Bed of Roses

Her phone in hand so she could follow its directions, Tina hurried to the designated meeting point. Steps away from the Café where she was to meet Rufus for their chat this afternoon, someone grabbed her arm. As she spun around, heart beating in sudden panic, ready to call out for the attention of passers-by, her eyes locked onto those of the man who was calling her name.

‘Sorry, sorry, Tina, I did not want to scare you!’

His smile below a rough and straggly, greying beard reached his eyes and her fears evaporated.

‘Thank goodness, it’s you!’

He only had one hand free; in the other, he held a box with the name of the café emblazoned on it. Awkwardly, they hugged. He tried to kiss her in greeting, but the facial hair prickled, and she pulled away. Years ago, they had gone to the same school and for a short while had been friends. Memories of how he had pursued her flashed into her mind, and it hit her that she evaded him even then. His attention had felt aggressive, weirdly unnatural and somehow unclean. Despite the nasty lilt of her memories, she smiled.

‘How are you?’ he asked as he eyed her up and down and back up again. His eyes settled on her face. Was there a hint of embarrassment? Did he remember the same things that she did?

Before she could answer his question, though, he nodded towards the café.

‘I love this café, but I thought that maybe here would be a little too open to talk about what happened this morning. I grabbed us some cakes and thought we go to mine; I live just around the corner.’

He winked as Tina looked through the window. The café looked welcoming, but Rufus was probably right. A wave of emotional pain cycled through her and made her shiver as she thought about the morning’s episode. Of course he was right: the café was not the place to talk. Not about private stuff.

Rufus turned and walked back in the direction of the tram station she had come from moments ago.

‘I waited for you here, outside, I did not want you to walk in. I thought that would be too stressful, you know, walking in, maybe even sitting down, then walking out again without buying anything,’ he blathered on. Memories of sweaty palms. His sweaty palms, when they touched sharing homework on the bus to school. He had copied her Politics while she used his Maths. She did not want to be his friend, but she hated Maths, and this arrangement worked. For both. She hoped he had forgiven her refusal of his clumsy advances to be his girlfriend.

Rufus ran ahead and she was getting short of breath but used the time to look him over. He had put on weight. He still wore clothes that were too tight and too heavy for the weather. She was nauseated by remembered waves of his body odour. Why did she ever contact him on that schoolfriend website? If she stopped, turned and walked away, would he even notice, charging ahead like he was?

As if she had spoken out loud, he turned, smiled and held out his free hand.

‘I am so sorry! Here I am, chattering away, running off as if the hounds of hell were after me! Really, I am sorry! I am so excited that you are here, you would not believe how excited I am!’

Tina bumped her fist against his offered hand. A hint of disappointment seemed to shadow his smile, but Rufus caught himself quickly.

‘Here we are,’ he stopped at a handsome three-storeyed block of flats and unlocked a door to the ground floor.

‘I am glad I found this place. You see, the divorce caught me on the quick, and I needed something from one day to the next. I had fears of high rises and being dumped like the socially unfortunate, but this here was my silver lining, if you know what I mean. I have been here ever since. Come in, come in!’

He stopped inside the door and let her squeeze past. Tina wound herself around him, trying not to touch, and prayed that he would not notice her troubled evasion. A short corridor with a wardrobe and a bunch of jackets and coats, a set of shoes orderly set next to each other on a listless welcome mat, a low table with a phone and a bunch of flowers in a vase. A set of closed doors to either side and one, wide open straight ahead. To this Rufus now pointed and bade her enter.

‘Coffee or tea? I have water, too, sparkling or still, and I think there is some juice?’ He opened one of the closed doors. There was no way that Tina could see inside. She would have liked to see if he entertained a clean and tidy kitchen, but Rufus barred her view.

‘Sparkling water would be nice,’ she nodded and walked through the open door as he grabbed bottle and glasses from an unseen shelf to bring through.

The front room was both lounge and dining area. At a three-seater couch, he had already laid out plates and cups on pretty saucers. Rufus had even thought of napkins and yet more flowers in a vase. He had made it look nice, and Tina relaxed. By the time she had found a seat on the sofa she felt comfortable with, Rufus had taken off his jacket and she realised that the too-tight shirts were nothing but a bad memory. Rufus had changed, of course he had changed! 40 years, with wife and children, of course he had not remained the nerdy, awkward teenager she remembered.

Rufus filled a glass, handed it to her and sat himself into the corner on the far side of the settee so they did not touch.

Tina commented on the brightness, the big window and the flowers in the vase.

Rufus beamed.

‘Would you like to try some of this delicious cake first, or would you like to tell me what happened this morning? Or both?’

Tina had not thought about how their ‘chat’ would shape up.

‘How about both? Maybe it is easier to talk if I hold on to a plate full of cake and eat when it gets … difficult?’ her mouth smiled; her eyes did not. To tell the truth, Tina was close to tears.

‘From your call I gather that it did not go well?’

‘Not sure what I had expected, really.’

‘Okay. You have your plate with cake, your water, so whenever you are ready,’ Rufus grabbed the second plate and fork and began to work on his cake.

‘This is delish!’ Tina exclaimed as she took a first tentative fork full. Layers of chocolate, caramel and berries melted into an experience like a dream.

Rufus laughed out.

‘The best cake around, I assure you!’

Tina looked out of the window but then focused on her plate. She noticed the trembling of her fingers and set the plate down. A deep breath got her started.

‘I mean, there is a reason why they did not let us visit together. I mean, we talked about that, why I was to visit Lucy first, on my own.’

Rufus placed his half-finished plate next to hers and turned a little more towards Tina.

‘I was shown into a room that might have been a dining room or something, there were tables. At one of them, there were two women and, you know, I did not recognise her. I mean, Lucy always has been the more vibrant one of us, I was only ever her follower. Now, she is this little old woman, she looks as old as my grandma, all grey hair and wrinkles. I did not recognise her, I tell you.’ Tina sniffed hard, drew out a tissue and tabbed at her eyes.

Rufus laid a hand on her knee, but she twitched it away.

‘There was Lucy with a care worker, and they were busy with a jigsaw puzzle. The woman that showed me in motioned for me to sit with the other two, and to join in the activity. So, I did. I sat, I tried not to look at her, but I am sure I must have stared at Lucy. She did not look at me at first, but she must have known that I was there. Because some time later, she looked up at me, and asked who I was? I told her that my name is Tina and Lucy continued what she was doing. Eventually, she said that she used to have a friend by the name of Tina. The carer asked if Tina had been a dear friend, and Lucy nodded. I gave her a piece to place in a gap she was working, it did fit, and that was when she looked at me at length for the first time.’

Tina shuddered. That face that had stared back at her at that moment, it had frightened her. There was nothing of the teenage Lucy in those eyes; there were two dark pools, vacant and deep – what had happened? Where was the Lucy she remembered, the Lucy she had missed for so much of her adult life?

‘Something clicked, something happened. It was like someone flicked a switch.’

Rufus moved a little closer, putting a hand on her arm.

‘You don’t have to tell me, you know,’ he spoke quietly. Tina shook her head. She needed to tell Rufus; after all, they were in this together. She had contacted him and had asked for his help to find Lucy. She had set him on this journey, had used him to do the searching, the footwork, he had a right to know.

‘Lucy looked at me, smiled this cruel and hateful smile that I had never seen on her before. It felt so ghastly and cold! She started to speak, calmly at first, but her words were so full of hatred and her voice grew louder with every nasty thing she said. She said, she remembered me, and that I had been the worst person she had ever met, that I had made her feel small, that she hated me, and that I was cold and hard-hearted, that I had used her and … o, I don’t know, it was awful. She called me names, over and over again. Then, Lucy swiped the jigsaw off the table, her face bright red, tears and spit flying, it was horrible. I did not know what was hitting me, but her words stung, and I felt terrible and scared. The carer tried to calm her, but got a smack in the face for it, and then the woman who had shown me in came running. She pulled me away from that room, and I think other people came and Lucy got an injection to calm her.’

Tina tried for some cake, but her mouth would not open for food. She let the fork drop to the plate.

‘For a while, they left me in some small room, before the woman came and talked to me. About these outbursts and that maybe I could return in a few days. I told her that I was only in town for a day or two at most, and she just shrugged. Apparently, they had spoken to Lucy when we had first approached about visiting, and Lucy had not said much about me, but seemed to have been adamant that she did not want to see you. She gets drugs to keep her calm, you know, but this morning, even with drugs she totally blew. Those things she said … I was so happy when you had found her …. O Lucy,’ Tina exclaimed as tears began to flow. Rufus slid closer to her, knees now rubbing against each other. He hugged her distantly and his hands gently touched her back. That calmed her.

‘I am sorry,’ Tina said as she fought her way out of his embrace.

‘Shall I make some camomile tea to calm us down?’ Concern swung in his voice.

Tina wiped at her eyes, blew her nose and settled back into the crook of the sofa’s armrest.

‘I am sorry that I pulled you into all of this,’ she admitted.

‘What do you mean? Pulled me into this?’ Tina noticed that he, too, had shifted back and that their knees no longer touched. She was grateful for this; she needed space to tell what she wanted to tell him.

‘If I had not contacted you …,’ she began, but Rufus interrupted.

‘I am glad you did. For once, I had something to do. I helped you to find Lucy, and I am glad I did. I was really pleased when I realised that Lucy and I lived in the same town. You managed to see her, and now you know where she is and how she is. Come on, Tina! If nothing else, you and I met again, and I am glad about that. I always wondered what had happened to you and how you were doing. Now I know. Both of us got something out of this. What other reason would there have been for you to come to my place and for us to sit together like this, and for me to hold you in my arms?’

Tina did not like his words, nor the look in his eyes. When Rufus moved towards her again, to wrap her in his arms, tightly, she put up a hand to ward him off.

‘Rufus, come on …’ but once more, he cut her short.

‘Don’t fight it, Tina! I know we are meant to be …’ but she struggled. Rufus pushed his weight on Tina, but she wriggled free and jumped up.

‘No!’ She screamed. Before she could grab her bag and run, Rufus blocked her path, wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close against the fight she put up.

‘Tina, my Tina!’

Tina pounded her fists against his chest, his face, wherever she could reach. When she landed a fisted right and cut open his upper lip, he let go. Blood seeped from the wound. Rufus stood there, suddenly timid and hurt like a little boy on the playground and Tina felt like a bully. Was that not one of the things Lucy had accused her off? Being a bully, not thinking of others’ feelings? Had she ever considered what Rufus would feel, after all this time? Did she ever consider that he might still have feelings for her? Had that crush ever gone away? And here she was, doing what? Using him?

‘O my God,’ she sank down on the settee, her face in her hands, and sobbed.

Tina did not hear Rufus leaving the room. When he returned, he held a glass of plain water out to her.

‘Maybe that will help you calm?’ As she looked up, he emptied a similar glass in one.

‘Or would you like something stronger?’ he smiled as if all was forgotten.

Tina felt relieved. So relieved that she took the glass and drank it in long, desperate gulps.

Rufus shuffled himself into the far corner of the settee. He was far enough away from her that no body parts connected. Tina calmed.

‘I am sorry,’ he started. This time it was Tina who interrupted.

‘I am sorry. I decked you! Does it hurt?’ His lip had darkened; a smear of blood clotted his unkept beard.

‘I should not have pushed you; I am the one that needs to apologize,’ his eyes avoided hers.

He pointed to the cake. ‘You should finish yours: it is too delicious to waste.’

They both warbled a little laugh, unsure and frail.

‘Right now, I don’t feel like cake, you know,’ Tina admitted.

‘I will wrap it for you later, you can take it,’ Rufus suggested as his eyes flung upward and caught the faint smile on her face. Tina blushed.

‘Okay.’

Silence descended as both struggled to come up with a topic to talk about.

‘Do you know what has happened to put Lucy in that care home?’ Rufus won.

‘The lady that met me first, she told me a bit of the story. From what I understood, Lucy had a couple of breakdowns, beginning straight after university. We still knew each other then, but she never told me, you know. She came to visit me, and I remember she took some kind of medicines, but she never told me what they were for. Or maybe she did, I cannot remember.’

Talking made Tina feel all warm inside. It felt good and she found Rufus an interested listener, now that he no longer tried to hug and kiss her.

‘I went abroad then, and we hardly ever wrote to each other. I missed her but got wrapped up in all sorts of things. I got married, divorced – twice – never had kids, but every so often I wondered where Lucy had gotten to. I tried to call, tried to write, but got no response. Now that I am back, settled with a steady job and a loving partner (at that, she saw Rufus flinch), I feel the need to tidy up the loose threats that are left from the past. Lucy is the first one of them.’

Rufus had crept closer again. As Tina talked, she no longer minded his hand on her arm. She only really became aware when his fingers began their caress of her wrist. Tina did not flinch away.

The warmth in her belly spread. An ease crept through her, and she felt comfortable in Rufus’ present, in his front room, on his sofa. For an instant, she wondered at that, but that thought flew out of her reach before she managed to hang on to it.

‘It was pure luck that I enrolled with that schoolfriend website. I was debating how to go about finding Lucy when I remembered that you knew her, too. That is when I contacted you. And you managed to find her, and I am ever so pleased you did.’

Her eyes closed. Rufus’ voice reached her as she slowly drifted away. Why was she suddenly so tired?

‘That was wonderful, when you got in touch.  I always thought about you. You never were out of my mind.’

Tina wanted to say something but before she could think of the words, they were gone already.

‘I always loved you, you know? You should have been mine from the start, and I know that our lives would have been the best. We would have loved each other. Forever.’ His lips caressed hers. His beard no longer tickled.

‘Are you sleepy, my love?’

A low moan answered him, a purr like a kitten.

Rufus stood, then bent and manoeuvred her legs onto the settee. Tina’s head lay at a hard bend against the arm rest, but she did not wake enough to notice.

‘Rest, my love,’ his voice low and dripping with emotion.

He straightened, stretched, then carefully lifted Tina off the sofa. She was heavier than he had expected, but Tina did not notice his effort. Her head fell against his shoulder and Rufus stifled an excited sob.

Coming around between sofa and table, his foot got caught in the shoulder strap of her handbag and they both came crashing down hard. Under their combined weight, the pretty plates and cups shattered. There was a nasty cracking sound.

‘O my god, o my god,’ Rufus cried out. ‘Are you hurt? Tina, my love?’

Rufus raised himself off Tina and the broken mess below them. With trembling hand, he felt for her head which lolled at an unnatural angle.

‘Tina Mouse?’ But Tina remained silent.

For a moment, Rufus considered, then nodded.

‘Forever.’ He liked the sound of that.

He scrambled to his feet, gathered Tina in his arms and shuffled into the small corridor. With his elbow, he opened one of the closed doors.

A wide double bed was dressed in soft pink bedclothes. The faint smell of rose petals strewn across the middle of the bed greeted him. Them. Greeted them. O, he was pleased with that, so pleased! He laid Tina amidst those soft flower buds. He had listened to that song of Bon Jovi’s on constant repeat while preparing the room for her. He undressed, unconsciously turning away from her as his shirt and pants came off. He stood naked, a distracted smile playing around his face. He crawled into bed next to her unmoving shape and cuddled her close. Now, Nick Cave crooned in his head. Rufus smiled.